An agent calls to talk to you about your project. Yay! But there might be another reason he wants to talk to you on the phone. Here’s 10 surefire things you can mention to make him regret ever dialing your number.

1. So, when will my movie be made?

2. You can guarantee me a $200,000 advance, right?

3. Alright, so when I call you every twenty minutes, you’ll get back to me within five, ya?

4. You’re so lucky to have me. I mean, you’ll really thank me when I make the bestseller list.

5. Thanks for offering, I’ll get back to you in ten weeks, k?

6. I took thirteen years to write this novel, but don’t worry I’ll cut it down to ten for the next.

7. Oh shoot, did I forget to tell you? I already accepted an offer. Thanks for reading my entire novel in 2 days though.

8. Yeah…um…can you just hold that thought while I query a dozen or so other agents? No offense, but I queried by third tier choices first.

9. So, have you sold anything in my genre? I didn’t bother checking because I figured you could just tell me when we talked. Time management. Smart, huh?

10. You want me to…REVISE!? How dare you doubt my genius!

Moral of the story: It’s usually a good idea to avoid sounding arrogant, psycho, cracked out or all three. Good talk. See you out there.

Status: Taking some suggestions from incredibly fabulous AW members. Will be thinking hard these next 2 days. It’s a tough life, Charlie Brown. (Kidding! Kidding.)