Topical Tuesday: Move Over Miss Snark

If I were a literary agent I’d wear six inch stilettos, don a sexy pair of designer glasses, and keep my Amazon Kindle peeking out of my hot pink Kate Spade at all times.

I’d keep a blog that kept thousands of writers hanging on my every last word, even if just mentioning the song playing on my iPod right now.

My form rejection would be at least two paragraphs because that’s how long it takes to explain what subjective means to a writer. I’d use the greeting, “Dear Author.”

The submission guidelines on my website–if I decided to have one–would be cryptic and would involve a riddle.

And I’d represent juvenile fiction. Whether that included picture books and children’s literature, you’d have to figure out yourself. But it wouldn’t.

It would include only YA and middle grade and, more specifically, only urban fantasy, high fantasy, science fiction, and dark, edgy contemporary. If you thought Wicked Lovely was dark and edgy, you’d be wrong and I’d send you a rejection stating that I just wasn’t  “enthusiastic” enough about your project. Because, you see, if I were a literary agent, I wouldn’t have a lot of enthusiasm to throw around.

 

So, what would YOU represent if you were a literary agent?

 

To read Jay’s take on this week’s Topical Tuesday, click here.

For more of my Topical Tuesday posts try Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda–The Book I Wish I Wrote and Back That Thang Up.

 

Also, don’t forget to check out yesterday’s post so that you can participate in the blog scavenger hunt for a chance to win Andrew Davidson’s The Gargoyle!

 

Status: I got a real life writing job! A job, I tell you! Writing for a role playing video game. They’d pay me and everything. But guess what? I don’t think I can take it. With law school fast approaching I need to save myself for opportunities that I can’t live without. And if something else unbelievable came up, I wouldn’t be able to take it if I wrote for the video game.

Also, if SCOUT found a home, I’d be in big trouble. Anyway, it’s nice to feel wanted.

I finished Chosen, the third book in the House of Night series. It was sooo good! But now I’m stuck waiting for the next installment, which comes out later this fall. Oh well. I’ll get more writing done!

On today’s agenda? Writing and submissions.

8 thoughts on “Topical Tuesday: Move Over Miss Snark

  1. If I was a literary agent, I would work in a padded room filled with puppies. I’d tell every old woman or 13-year-old kid out there how lovely their stuff was and what a shame I couldn’t publish it. I’d tell every moron that they were just that–a moron. I would hire a dozen college kids to write back honest critiques to every fool that thought they were a writer and send them a stale box of cookies for their heartache. And for those that had talent, even just a speck, I’d seriously consider them. Because I would be a soft and mushy literary agent that thought of every letter as the next possible masterpiece. And I would only take orginal children’s and women’s literature. If Oprah or Disney would like it, I wouldn’t. No cancer or abusive relationships, please; no boring coming of age stories. Give me dragons, princesses and crazy Southren women blowing up department stores in protests of a modern Christmas celebration!

  2. Thrillers and more thrillers. It’s what I read and write, so I don’t know enough about any other genre to represent them. And, I’d only take online submissions.

    JJ

  3. In my life, I have never met a literary agent. I am afraid, this profession is absent in my country. I wish that we had some as it would make my life much easier. May be, I will become the first literary agent here.
    If I were a literary agent then I would go for short stories.

  4. I have no idea what I’d represent, but I would be a total Hard Ass. No spelling or grammatical errors, perfect formatting, catchy copy – and that’s before I even open the e-mail/letter.

  5. Pingback: If I Were An Agent… | Peregrinas

  6. If I were an agent I would have a house for an office, with a huge kitchen filled with all sorts of delicious goodies. That way I could have something to sink my teeth into when reading through sample pages. Ice cream for the yummy stories and a treadmill for the ones I would want to run away from.
    My employees would include those over-the-top roleplaying guys and gals that know exactly how a good, juicy novel should read.
    Armed with an i-pod, soda pop, and sunshine,
    I would only accept submission from un-published authors. Known for Lit mag publishing, goodbye! Happen to have won dozens of conference awards, talk to the big names.
    Why so harsh? Because I am sap only for those that seek to get published for the first time even if the writing is raw and ragged.
    No erotica here, just the fantasy, chick lit, and science fiction that could induce nightmares or tease enough to provide a wet dream.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s